There's Always Tomorrow, He Said
It started with a taste, and continued for 14 years.
It’s early March 2012, Carl is creeping up on 9 months of NO alcohol! He hates that pesky word, you know? “Sober.”
But he’s doing it.
Carl has had some rough patches along the journey, but rarely thinks about the misery he once lived. The life of bad decisions, horrible hangovers, and shitty sleep.
Carl just got home from working a serving job he picked up for a side gig. Why you ask? You know why. Remember what I said about his bad decisions? He needs the money, duh! You can only be a fuck up so long, before you have to pay the piper.
Carl was 35 at the time, some would say a little old to be in the serving business, but it was good money.
And yea, most of who he worked with were early 20’s, with one older guy in his 50's.
Well, one morning as he was ending his lunch shift, Ellie, a 20 something year old bartender asked if he’d like to try a new drink she invented?
Carl’s body immediately went numb, and became heavy.
This is the first time he had thoughts about drinking in a good 5 months. The thought of alcohol rarely crossed his mind any longer, but on this particular day, it hit him hard. He didn’t want to look like the “guy who doesn’t drink,” but he didn’t want to go back down the rabbit hole he was trying to climb out of either.
To make a long story short, Carl “tastes” the drink.
Carl told me he never cheated on a partner, but said, if he had, he imagined this is what it would feel like. He felt a sense of shame, and guilt he hadn’t felt in a while. Well, maybe he had felt it, but not like this.
See, Carl is an “all or nothing” type guy.
There is very little wiggle room in the “middle” between the very top, and the low-balling bottom. This simple drink triggered the “all or nothing” mentality. The mentality of, “he royally fucked up,” and in a sense, he did.
On his way home he made the impulse decision to stop and grab a six pack of beer. It was St. Patrick's Day, and it’s been almost 9 months. What will a six pack hurt? He did second guess himself a few times, and even try to talk himself out of it, but it fell on deaf ears.
The demon was back, but he will get back on track “tomorrow.”
Tomorrow is an addicts famous last words. Everything starts tomorrow, at least with Carl it did. It’s what kept him drinking so long, until he stopped living in tomorrow’s, and started living in “today.”
Well, the case of “tomorrows” was back, and back with a vengeance.
Before long Carl was binge drinking again.
After each binge came the guilt, and shame he had all but forgotten until a few weeks ago. Each morning he gets up he would swear off the drink. He was desperately chasing that “high” of being sober he got around the 6 month mark. He can’t explain that feeling, but he wants it back!
Carl got two weeks here, and four weeks there, but couldn’t find that feeling he once had.
Carl’s life hasn’t been easy, nor normal since that somber afternoon taste. He often wonders why he drank again. The benefits he was getting from not drinking was becoming the new norm.
He felt fantastic, until he didn’t.
Carl woke up with 6 days “sober.”
While he’s not drinking, his mind still is. He feels the illusionary effect of the hangover, without the drink. He still has the “doom and gloom,” of “will I ever feel that “high” of being sober again.”
It’s been so long he forgot what it feels like, that’s what is scaring him.
When was it Carl had 6 days?
Yesterday, July 1st, 2024.
Yea, it’s been a while.
He has a long road ahead of him.