What if You Stopped Being Available?
Would anyone be left in your life?
Have you often wondered what it’d be like to say no when you mean no, and yes when you mean yes? Is the reason you not doing this is due to the fear of upsetting, or losing someone?
In other words, it’s called setting boundaries. My boundaries usually come out in a flurry of rage. I am so used to being passive aggressively manipulated that I’ve finally hit my breaking point.
It no longer works on me, or does it?
I guess you could say it still does. Hence, my reactive rage I have when my body senses it. Then I’m left with the feeling of guilt, and shame because I couldn’t control my emotions, and let my feelings take the wheel. Which never ever ends well.
Any type of boundary feels selfish to me. I will do and say anything to get approval and validation, all while fearing I will upset someone. It’s here my codependent side will surface and I can even become manipulative.And at the same time I question if I’m just your run-of-the-mill “drama queen” who is just overly sensitive?
The old saying, “No matter where you go there you are” has never rang more true.
From me leaving an apartment I thought I hated, well, I did. To giving practically everything away to travel the country. To what started this snowball of hell was leaving what I believed to be a narcissistic relationship to focus on myself, not her.
I’ve battled addictions with food, alcohol, and every form of distraction possible, but often wonder if I wasn’t around, or available, would anyone really notice? Or would they just notice what I had to offer, or not offer at the same time.
In all honesty, I don’t think I have much to offer anyone. And when I do offer anything, I feel fake in a sense. It never feels authentic, I question and overthink everything. Like, it’s not the “real” me. Do I really like being helpful to people? Or is it my conditioning of severe codependency where love, attention, and validation was taught to be transactional?
There are learned “conditions” to what many humans crave, a loving connection. But what if you were raised in an environment of control, manipulation, verbal, and physical abuse, all while trying to appease your caretaker to prevent the rage in them from boiling over?
It got to the point I was running around trying to please people I didn’t even know, just like me, and I will handle why I do it later, if at all. It’s fucking exhausting.
Very few people know what real love is.
Love isn’t conditional. Love isn’t manipulation. Love isn’t transactional. Love isn’t trying to fix someone. Love isn’t offering unwanted advice.
Love IS being a good listener, unbiased ear and sharing your experiences if asked for. Love IS checking on someone to see if they need anything that you are capable of offering, again, could just be you’re in their corner cheering them on through a difficult time in life. Love IS letting a person be who they are, and either accepting them “as is” or “as not” and letting them go if you don’t agree.
Love is a lot of things, but what it’s not is control, conditional, transactional, nor is it passive aggressive manipulation followed by guilt tripping to try and force someone into submission. In other words, forcing them to live a life you think they should live, and not them. We learn from our mistakes, and often those mistakes will involve some form of pain, and sometimes emotional hell to boot.
I don’t know what would happen if I’d disappear from the few people in my life. I’m sure I’d be missed, but not for who I am, but more so what they think I have to offer, or what they can control. Rarely am I asked “what I need?” If I was it would be as simple as having some space at times. When I say no, I mean no. The question doesn’t have to be rephrased 19 different ways trying to force a different answer than the one I already gave you.
I haven’t been available to myself for 50 freaking years now. I’ve been teetering on the brink of a mental collapse for months now, maybe years, and I’ve hit the breaking point of confusion.
Would I be missed? The hell if I know. To be honest, I’m at the point I could give a fuck less to tell you the truth.
How about you?